Print Page | Close Window Chronicles Vol III - continued Printed from: Cycling Plus Topic URL: http://www.cyclingplus.co.uk/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=15814 Printed on: 27/04/2004 Topic: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Topic author: Ravenbait Subject: Chronicles Vol III - continued Posted on: 09/01/2004 14:14:18 Message: Chronicles of the Cake Stop Vol III No. 5 Chapter One: The Beagle has landed We last left our chums having rescued the Temple Priestess from the clutches of a minor demon by the name of Lupus, during which adventure they ventured as far as the Eight Level of Hell and met with Lucifer Morningstar himself. He turned out to be perfectly charming, but most agreed one would probably not wish to be trapped in an elevator with him. Due to an unfortunate incident with a sink plunger, an aubergine, a quantum time distortion at the pyramid of Giza and Mrs Colin breaking Mr Colin's egg timer, thus preventing him starting from either the pointy or the blunt end of his usual breakfast fare, some time has now passed since we last indulged in fantastical voyeurism. The universe has changed slightly in that intervening period, and thus we catch up with a teeming Cake Stop full of new faces, and missing some familiar ones. With luck none of our old regulars will have departed for too long and we will see them again in the fullness of time; that most counter-intuitively flexible property of Existence. Over in the corner, FatBloke, Nutty and Ravenbait are entirely absorbed in something, huddled round one of the smaller tables so that whatever they are doing is completely hidden from view. Every couple of minutes there is a ferocious outburst of click-clack tapping, followed by a pause. The careful listener might have be able to discern that the pause is not silence, but bears a quiet thread of staccato beeping. At the bar, Spinnerman, one of the recent arrivals, is telling Terry why the Belgian fruit beers are so good as an after-ride refreshment, while Terry is paying no attention as he is more attuned to the benefits of International Fighting Lager. Over by the fire Beverick is explaining to Gonzo and Kitzy the correct way to eat Jaffa Cakes. Gonzo isn't paying any attention. With Thanatos a rare visitor to these parts nowadays, he has taken over the pursuit of the fair maid, and is wearing his finest zebra stripes in a blatant courtship display that is so far having little effect on the young lady. Steelman has taken Helga home to see Womb Raider, in the hope that it will do more to stimulate their interests in late night exercise than Angelina Jolie did in the original. Cuddy is once again polishing his "Aquatic Bird of the Year" trophy, which Claire has displayed proudly over the fireplace next to the horse brasses. There is a picture on the mantlepiece of him, Pingu and Seagul at the awards ceremony, shaking hands with Timmy Mallett. Evilchuffy and Bardsandwarriors are flicking through a pile of clothing catalogues with Kathy and Bagonabike. Every so often there is an exclamation of "Bonar!" or "That's a bold camisa!" Joatmon, another new face, is sitting staring out of the window at the exotic collection of machines shivering in the winter cold outside, forlornly wondering whether it is really necessary to spend that much on a bike. Cartje05 is trying to reassure him. Yenrod and Akirasho are discussing the works of Eric von Däniken, with the Archaeologist chipping in with a gently sarcastic remark every so often. All in all, other than the curious beeping and clicking from the corner, it is an average lunchtime in the Cake Stop Bar and Grill. "Anyone seen Riggers?" asks Oldnewbiker. He is met with resounding silence, shrugs and goes back to his beer. Presumably no one knows. He is sure that FatBloke's occasional pony boy made it back from Hell safely, but cannot remember when he saw him last. Hasufel has brought in Yoda and Gandalf action figures, having become bored with the kung fu hamsters that so very nearly led to an RSPCA prosecution, and is pitting them against one another in a Fisher Price WWE wrestling ring. So far Yoda is winning because Gandalf keeps getting his beard tangled in the ropes when he attempts a clothesline. "Ellen Ripley was a man," declares NickM. Silence descends. Scores of pairs of eyes swivel around to stare at him. There is a rapid pizzicato of beeping from the corner and then that, too, fades into silence. The priestess stands up from her stool, drawing herself to her full height, which is definitely not short. She turns, black eyes glowing with an unearthly depth, mouth set in a thin line. Several of the Cake Stop chums standing between her and Nick edge uneasily out of the putative firing line. "That is one of my Mums you're talking about," she says in a low voice that carries the distinct edge of threatening violence from one who was born to it and feels no more empathy towards a fellow man than most do towards mosquitoes. "Ravenbait is the product of the divine and Sapphic union of Tank Girl and Ellen Ripley from Alien Resurrection," Microphonie adds helpfully, just in case Nick had not been aware of this. "I didn't mean it like that," Nick explains hurriedly, the fathomless onyx orbs sending insects crawling around under his skin. "This programme on Radio 3 says that she was originally going to be a man. You know, in Alien." "Oh, that," Ravenbait says dismissively. "I know. They couldn't find a man up to the job." Everyone relaxes "Look, what are you three doing in the corner over there anyway?" Chuffy interjects, before anyone can say something to set things off again. They had enough arguing last time around, with those psychoactive mushrooms contaminating the cakes. "We've found Beagle 2," says Fatty smugly. "The Beagle has landed," "He seems to be having some sort of existential crisis and keeps saying he hates his Mum," Nutty comments, a slightly worried expression on his face. "He doesn't want to talk to the scientist in charge of the project. He doesn't want us to let them know we've found him." "We're deeply engaged in a counselling session at the moment," Ravenbait says. "How are you getting on with Bards?" "I think this might be a Trinny and Susannah job, ducky," says Chuffy. "We can't get him to leave those white flouncy A-line numbers alone, and they just don't sit well on his hips." "Well they can't come here. I'd rather have Kim and Aggie round here," Ravenbait says, pulling a face. Hairyhippy clumps in, taking off a pair of muddy boots and leaving them by the door. "There's a couple of stark naked Aussies out by the rhododendrons," he says."You'd better come see. It looks painful." "Bit busy at the moment," says FatBloke. "Especially for that sort of thing." Redshift and Kathy, however, glance at each other and then make a dash for the door. They are followed by several others, while the rest of the Cake Stop shake their heads: they either are genuinely uninterested or are just pretending. Some time later Kathy and the rest come back in. They look a little shocked. "It's supposed to be really funny," Scam says. "Was it no good?" "It was great," Redshift says in a distant voice. "It's just that....well...they've been on tour and were recently in the South China Sea." " Oooaaawwh!" exclaims Chuffy. "I'd forgotten all about that cod affair." "I think we ought to invite them in," says Kathy. "It might be important." Sam http://www.ravenfamily.org "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." Replies: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:15:45 Message: YAY!!! "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Terry Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:19:47 Message: Woo hoo! More more more more... ------------------------------- www.jdcycles.com "It's like hitting a brick wall." Duffers - L'Alpe d'Huez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Kathy Pike Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:21:33 Message: 'Ray for Sam! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: FatBloke Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:27:54 Message: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gordon Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:33:42 Message: Good to see The Chronicles return, Sam -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Cartej05 Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:40:13 Message: Yowsah.................you tell it Sam. Member off C+ Lardy-arse team -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: kitzy Replied on: 09/01/2004 14:56:27 Message: brilliant stuff! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: oldnewbiker Replied on: 09/01/2004 15:02:04 Message: Great stuff ,but what did happen to Riggers.Has Fatters given him one virtual biff too many A simple prop to occupy my time -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gunner Rodgers Replied on: 09/01/2004 15:10:29 Message: HURRRAH and HUSSAH!!!!!!! For some entertainment at last!! Cheers, big ears. "Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home" Gunner Rodgers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gutsy Replied on: 09/01/2004 15:59:25 Message: Excellent stuff. I really must think of something interesting to say in order that I can get a mention in the next edition. I may need a bit of warning as to when the next one is likely so I don't shoot my bolt too early so to speak. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: nuttycyclist Replied on: 09/01/2004 16:38:13 Message: .... ..- .-. .-. .- .... .-.-.- / ... ..- -... ... -.-. .-. .. -... . ... / - --- / - --- .--. .. -.-. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Anything I say in this post is my own opinion and not that of any organisation or company I may belong to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gonzo Replied on: 09/01/2004 17:07:02 Message: Phew. I'm in my rightful place now. Not in the South china sea. Hazzzzzzah Aromatic - A handy gadget used by Robin Hood -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: hairyhippy Replied on: 09/01/2004 17:14:03 Message: Wonderfull Sam. Aren't you suposed to be busy at work? Naughty girl. It is isn't it? It's Nicholas bl**dy Parsons. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: somersetbiker Replied on: 09/01/2004 17:25:21 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by hairyhippy Wonderfull Sam. Aren't you suposed to be busy at work? Naughty girl. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shouldn't us all! The Chronicles are fun though. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Pingu Replied on: 09/01/2004 21:56:08 Message: I'd have won that competition if it wasn't for those meddling ducks Are you sure that's what Cuddy was polishing Meck meck! "You may ask yourself, 'Where does that highway go to?'" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: dfawatts Replied on: 09/01/2004 22:21:15 Message: Good stuff - a week's foruming sumarised very neatly - LoL -------------------------------- Who's afraid of the big bad SUV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Bagonabike Replied on: 09/01/2004 22:27:56 Message: Splendid - the muse has returned. Missed the first ever instalment..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 09/01/2004 23:10:10 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bona B-->Splendid - the muse has returned. Missed the first ever instalment..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heh! Glad to see you helping me and Bandicoot with our savoury outfits Baggers. Hope you've got good taste... "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Bagonabike Replied on: 09/01/2004 23:13:03 Message: Why, naturellement, I 'ave Bona taste! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 09/01/2004 23:15:01 Message: You're a bold dona Baggy and no mistake "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Bagonabike Replied on: 09/01/2004 23:20:21 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by Evilchuffy You're a bold dona Baggy and no mistake "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Buena (I think)? Whatever else, am honoured to be flicking through Speedo clothing catalogues in the chronicles mit der 'Bait et al. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 09/01/2004 23:24:26 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Buena (I think)? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nah. You're a fantabulosa paloni if the rumours are to be believed "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Keith Oates Replied on: 10/01/2004 02:12:27 Message: Hen Hao Sam. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 12/01/2004 11:04:14 Message: For those who have missed prior editions, you can find links to them all in the menu bar on the left hand side (under '/fiction') here, where I put them so I could keep track of storylines.... Please to note that submissions and ideas are still welcome and sought, and I do have a list of all those made already. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 12/01/2004 12:26:27 Message: Chapter Two: You'll know him by the zebra stripes Nutty and Ravenbait left FatBloke to continue talking to Beagle 2. They felt they had got the little lander past the worst of the crisis, and the signal was starting to fade. The last couple of transmissions had included the mysterious messages "...- / --. . .-." and ". ...- . .-. -.-- - .... .. -. --. / . -..- -.-. . .--. - / ..-. --- .-. / . ..- .-. --- .--. .- / .. ... / -.-- --- ..- .-. ... /" There was also the less mysterious " - .... .. ... / .. ... / .-- .... .- - / - .... . -.-- / --. . - / ..-. --- .-. / -... . .-.. .. . ...- .. -. --. / .- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / .-. .- -... -... .. - / -.- -. --- .-- ... / .- -. -.-- - .... .. -. --. / .- -... --- ..- - / - ... .- - - . .-. .. . ... /" Kathy and Redshift had gone back outside to fetch in the penis puppeteers. It was really the wrong time of year for doing that sort of thing outdoors. It was rather chilly. "Does mean we get a bit short of material, duznit sport?" says one of them, grinning cheerfully as Claire makes them both coffee with a beer chaser. "I'm Bruce, by the way." "And I'm Jason," says the other, teeth white and gleaming in a brown face. Ravenbait throws them a disbelieving look. "I take it you both have girlfriends called Kylie and you live in Ramsay Place, do you?" "Nah, not us mate." "Well, maybe I can offer you a Vegemite sandwich?" "Traitor!" hisses an unidentified voice across the bar. Chuffy rolls his eyes. "I don't think either of them is six foot tall and full of muscles, 'Bait," he says. "Look, come and have a sit by the fire and warm yourselves up, and you can tell us all about your trip to the South China Sea," the Priestess says. As the two Aussies make their way to the fireside, she gives Kitzy the bent eye and the young lass comes over with an expectant look, all quivering with anticipation. "See if you can keep Gonzo occupied for a bit, will you?" Ravenbait asks her quietly. "I don't think that should be too difficult," the brave young girl replies, cheeks flushing with admirable embarrassment. Ravenbait fetches her bone china cup filled with finest first flush darjeeling from the bar and sits down by the fire with the two visitors. "Kathy tells me you've been on tour to the South China Sea," she prompts, her relaxed pose, feet on the table, disguising the keen attention with which she was regarding the two Antipodeans. Nutty, Kathy, Chuffy, Gunner and Redshift are also sitting there, on borrowed stools and pulled-up chairs. "Well, mate, we were down in them parts, y'know, doin' the show, and there was this mad bloke at one of the shows, dunno what he was doin' there but he was rilly, rilly mad about somethin'," said Bruce. "He was jumpin' up and swearin'. Mouth like a bloody trooper on him, the bugger." "That'd be right," nods Jason. "Only mentioned it to yer mates there because he was wearing this zebra outfit, y'know? We got some furries down there - folks what like to dress up as animals, like - but this guy wasn't like that. It wasn't like the suit had a head or even another bloke up his arse." "In fact, he looked like yer mate over there," Bruce adds with a thoughtful nod towards Gonzo, "and that's why we thought we might mention it. Didja get a nice postcard from him? He was a right bugger. All I remember was that he was goin' on and on about some bloke called Robbie Williams and something about his Mum not bein' his Mum." "Certainly sounds like our Gonzo," Kathy murmurs. "Doesn't prove anything though," says Redshift. "We know he goes down there for his etymology experiments." "I think you mean entomology," Chuffy says gently, "Although I expect he gets up to some polari of his own down there while he's at it." "Thing is," Jason tells them. "He was with this little bugger. Looked like a pygmy. Had very short legs and a voice like a rabid wombat, and was yellin' at yer fella there to shut up or he'd ruin everything. Looked like they were trying to start a fight in the audience." "And did they?" Gunner asks? "Nah," says Bruce, grinning sheepishly. "We got a Donk." Ravenbait nods, a broad smile growing on her face. Everyone else looks blank. "Was there anything else you think we should know?" "Don't think so. They both vanished after the show. Didn't see where they went. Here's the address of the theatre, though, if that'll help. The sheila there said yer had a bit of trouble that might have something to do with it." "Thanks. You've both been a great help," says Ravenbait. "Yer know, yer look a lot like Tank Girl," says Bruce. "I know," says the Priestess with a predatory smile. "I seem to have inherited her taste in men." The core members of the League and the Intrepid Sorority retire to their favourite corner and gather around a table. FatBloke joins them from the now-silent telegraph machine, shaking his head with a sad smile. "I think he was happy enough at the end," he says. They go over what Bruce and Jason told them, and try to remember what happened months previously when they had come to settle on the idea that somehow Gonzo was an evil criminal mastermind who had been testing out a plan for world domination by use of argumentative magic mushrooms. The idea seemed preposterous then, in the cold light of day, and seems even more preposterous now, especially when Nutty points out that, from the sounds of things, Gonzo had also been a victim of the aggressive psychadelic. "I think he's involved, " says Nutty. "This pygmy character sounds very suspicious. But I don't think he's our evil genius." "I don't think a Precision Processor of 133 qualifies as evil genius," FatBloke adds. "You could be right there," says Redshift. Gunner Rodgers exchanges a meaningful glance with Ravenbait. "I think, ladies and gentlemen, that it might be time to consider a live fire exercise overseas." At that there is naught but tense, anticipatory silence, as each gentleman and lady ponders the implications of what is being suggested and tries to remember if his or her passport is in date. Sam http://www.ravenfamily.org "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: bardsandwarriors Replied on: 12/01/2004 13:04:33 Message: I've always fancied exploring the south china sea! This is gonna be fun, throwing around those little junk boats, dodging through the backstreets of little ports and beating off pirates. Now, where's that catalogue? This'll be no place for white flouncy A-lines. More of an ethnic embroidery place I reckon, with expensive scarves and things hanging off my hat... if everyone owned a car, what a smelly, dangerous, noisy, stressful, unhealthy, expensive society this would be... oh, wait... it is! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gonzo Replied on: 12/01/2004 13:15:14 Message: Horah So then, how did Kit keep Gonzo ocupied? You'll know me by my shivering, soggy, silly Zebra stripes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: nuttycyclist Replied on: 12/01/2004 13:18:51 Message: You should know! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Anything I say in this post is my own opinion and not that of any organisation or company I may belong to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: TimCPike Replied on: 12/01/2004 13:25:24 Message: Lay back and think of zebras! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wampire Weasel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Kathy Pike Replied on: 12/01/2004 13:32:14 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by bardsandwarriors I've always fancied exploring the south china sea! This is gonna be fun, throwing around those little junk boats, dodging through the backstreets of little ports and beating off pirates. Now, where's that catalogue? This'll be no place for white flouncy A-lines. More of an ethnic embroidery place I reckon, with expensive scarves and things hanging off my hat... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ooh, pirates?! Where's me cutlass? Move over Mary Reed and Anne Bonney, here comes pirate Kathy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gonzo Replied on: 12/01/2004 13:33:49 Message: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Talk like a pyrate al ovar. You'll know me by my shivering, soggy, silly Zebra stripes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: yingtong iddle i po Replied on: 12/01/2004 16:53:17 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by nuttycyclist .... ..- .-. .-. .- .... .-.-.- / ... ..- -... ... -.-. .-. .. -... . ... / - --- / - --- .--. .. -.-. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Anything I say in this post is my own opinion and not that of any organisation or company I may belong to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .- - . .-.. .-.. ... .- .. .- - -. ..- - - -.- - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: nuttycyclist Replied on: 12/01/2004 16:57:50 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by Kathy Pike quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by bardsandwarriors I've always fancied exploring the south china sea! This is gonna be fun, throwing around those little junk boats, dodging through the backstreets of little ports and beating off pirates. Now, where's that catalogue? This'll be no place for white flouncy A-lines. More of an ethnic embroidery place I reckon, with expensive scarves and things hanging off my hat... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ooh, pirates?! Where's me cutlass? Move over Mary Reed and Anne Bonney, here comes pirate Kathy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Anything I say in this post is my own opinion and not that of any organisation or company I may belong to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: redshift Replied on: 12/01/2004 16:59:22 Message: As long as we're not headed for another 'incident' in the Gulf of Tonkin.... L Windcheetah 176 http://www.redshift.uklinux.net/ ...handbuilt by daleks... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: hairyhippy Replied on: 12/01/2004 17:35:28 Message: So where are we going to be staying? Will it have a pool? I'll need a contact address to leave for me mum. She does get worried. I wonder what flora and fauna there'll be... It is isn't it? It's Nicholas bl**dy Parsons. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: kitzy Replied on: 12/01/2004 18:40:20 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by Gonzo Horah So then, how did Kit keep Gonzo ocupied? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all in the name of duty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Gunner Rodgers Replied on: 12/01/2004 19:04:31 Message: All this talk of "live fire and meaningful glances", has quickened my pulse to giddy levels, should that I enter into meaningless dialogue with 3 or 4 birds, whilst engaging in hetrosexual eye contact of the most flirtatious nature in these Chronicles, then, if I were to die now, I would probably lay undiscovered for weeks!!!!!!!!!! "It's like that, it's just the way it is......." Gunner Rodgers -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: TimCPike Replied on: 12/01/2004 22:13:15 Message: [MutterMutter] no mention of me despite the fact that I'll no doubt have to pedal Kathy all the way to South China on a tandem pedallo [/MutterMutter] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wampire Weasel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: TimCPike Replied on: 12/01/2004 22:16:49 Message: ...and I suppose I ought to find some sea-sickness pills for the ferrets. Can't stand the thought of one of them with a dodgy stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wampire Weasel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Kathy Pike Replied on: 13/01/2004 10:31:34 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by bardsandwarriors Now, where's that catalogue? This'll be no place for white flouncy A-lines. More of an ethnic embroidery place I reckon, with expensive scarves and things hanging off my hat... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Given it's China, you could always copy Mrs Cheng's dress sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 13/01/2004 10:36:35 Message: Tim, that's because you were away enjoying a soothing massage courtesy of the temple maidens, which is free on Mondays. Don't knock it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 13/01/2004 11:58:01 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim, that's because you were away enjoying a soothing massage courtesy of the temple maidens, which is free on Mondays. Don't knock it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In which case, WHY THE HELL WAS I IN IT? "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Kathy Pike Replied on: 13/01/2004 11:58:54 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by Evilchuffy quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim, that's because you were away enjoying a soothing massage courtesy of the temple maidens, which is free on Mondays. Don't knock it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In which case, WHY THE HELL WAS I IN IT? "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well darling, whilst Mr Pike was absent... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 13/01/2004 12:01:46 Message: "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Terry Replied on: 13/01/2004 14:22:50 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by TimCPike [MutterMutter] no mention of me despite the fact that I'll no doubt have to pedal Kathy all the way to South China on a tandem pedallo [/MutterMutter] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wampire Weasel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nor me, the C+ weight loss champion 2004! ------------------------------- www.jdcycles.com "It's like hitting a brick wall." Duffers - L'Alpe d'Huez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 13/01/2004 14:30:09 Message: RIGHT! I can cope with complaints from people who haven't been mentioned, but Terry, YOU WERE MENTIONED IN THE SECOND BLOODY PARAGRAPH SO STOP COMPLAINING YOU WHINGING POM! If you have a complaint or suggestion, please to make sure you have read the entire story properly first. I thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: nuttycyclist Replied on: 13/01/2004 14:32:17 Message: I have a complaint. The next chapter hasn't come out yet -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: Anything I say in this post is my own opinion and not that of any organisation or company I may belong to. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 13/01/2004 14:36:50 Message: I have a day job too! Chuffy is going to start shouting at me soon for being naughty and skiving. But, to make up for the slowness of this volume, there will be an extra couple of installments. With Old Norse, battles, a giant octopus, lots of pirates, big swords, whales, sponges and plenty of scantily clad nubile maidens with coffee-coloured skins and eyes the colour of Tasmanian Leatherwood honey. http://www.ravenfamily.org "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: FatBloke Replied on: 13/01/2004 14:42:17 Message: Can some of these "scantily clad nubiles" regard being a bit plump as a sign of wealth, masculinity and sexual attractiveness? Please I'm hungry!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Terry Replied on: 13/01/2004 15:02:05 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by Ravenbait RIGHT! I can cope with complaints from people who haven't been mentioned, but Terry, YOU WERE MENTIONED IN THE SECOND BLOODY PARAGRAPH SO STOP COMPLAINING YOU WHINGING POM! If you have a complaint or suggestion, please to make sure you have read the entire story properly first. I thank you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ooooooooppps. I'll just skulk back into the corner wiv me chart then! ------------------------------- www.jdcycles.com "It's like hitting a brick wall." Duffers - L'Alpe d'Huez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: newbie Replied on: 13/01/2004 15:21:24 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can some of these "scantily clad nubiles" regard being a bit plump as a sign of wealth, masculinity and sexual attractiveness? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How about receeding hairline, no visible source of income and rides a Raleigh? er, thought not At least put on some lactose-free cakestuffs on the counter top cafe. Some of us are getting hungry. Maybe the norse gods could be the left-turning blind descendants of a certain swedish estate car. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 13/01/2004 15:25:33 Message: Newbie, Claire will make you whatever you want. She has a fine selection catering for all dietary requirements. You do have to tell her, though. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 13/01/2004 15:54:06 Message: Chapter Three: They're not just words There is much to be done before they can leave. The Cake Stop is suddenly a flurry of activity, with old hands such as Tim, the Sheriff, Macleach, Muckspreader, Groucho, Gordy, J.L.Seagull, Withers and Flying Monkey settling easily into the chaos that is making sure everything is ready for adventure. Kathy borrows Thought and Memory from Ravenbait and sends them out to find the Black Pearl. Thought would know how to look; Memory would remember what they were looking for. Claire is busy in the kitchens, packing lunches for them all so that they would have adequate provisions for at least the first stage of the journey. Gonzo has not been adventuring with the Cake Stop massive before, and watches Kitzy in some bewilderment as she falls in with the others with nary a bat of her fairly- lashed eyelid. Gunner organises the line of bike-checking. Each machine has to be carefully examined to make sure it is road worthy and ready for the off. Some of the Know How crew are called in from the Sacred Workshop round the back of the Temple, and Phil Dyson, TimBooth and company get to work. The bikes fawn and preen with all the extra attention. Only Fingal stands haughtily to one side, refusing to be touched by anyone other than his mistress. Wanting to help, Bardsandwarriors approaches to give him at least a quick once over but is warned off by AndyGates, who is passing through on his way to somewhere else and dropping off some fresh batteries for Ravenbait. "He bites," says Andy as he freewheels by on Dave, the long-suffering Bad Boy, on his way out. "Tell her if she wants Max or Peregrine she can leave a message on my phone and I'll see what I can do." Bardsandwarriors backs off, a little nervously. Fingal appears to be eyeing up his skirts as if calculating how big a tear he could make with just one flick of his mudguard stay. Ravenbait has taken Chuffy to the Temple. The Temple Maidens need to be left instructions for the various rites that will have to be maintained in the Priestess' absence, and that is not their only reason for going there. Redshift has tagged along also, after Ravenbait mentioned that Elektra had stopped in for some Dragon's Whiskers tea the week before and, having heard the story of the last adventure, had left something behind for Redshift. They reach the antechamber. The water trickling from the fountainhead echoes in bright, silver sparkles from the great stone walls. Shadows dance and caper, cast by the flickering light of the sacred flame. From high in the vaulted ceiling comes the diamond glinting of the prayer-chainwheels as they spin gently from their silver chains. There, in the glittering waters of the fountain, still shines the great sword, as gleaming now as it had been the day it had been plunged into the glistening rock. The Hard Lightning shimmers, the magical etchings on its mighty spine squirming and writhing. As Chuffy approaches and reaches out to touch the sword, the movement of its engraving ceases. Caledfwlch it says, and the voices of a thousand Ancestors whisper its name in the tongue of the mountains and the valleys of its birth. "Wait," Ravenbait says. "Leave it be for now. The threat is suspected, not imminent. Even I don't want to go messing around with swords like that without a few precautions." They pass into the Temple itself. With a cryptic gesture in the silent sign-language of the Temple, developed for the days of persecution when none dared admit openly to being a cyclist, let alone one of the Goddess' children, Ravenbait calls over one of the Maidens. A few more flicks of the finger and the Maiden nods, disappears. "If you hang on here, Redshift," Ravenbait says, "Someone will bring something out for you." Redshift nods. "Come on Chuffy. I think the Goddess wants to talk to you." On this occasion there is no need to request an audience from the Temple Maidens. Ravenbait leads the way into the Sanctum, where an immediate silence descends upon them with a physical weight and presence, that stifles every sound from the click of cleats on polished marble to the guttering of the torches that provide a little illumination to compliment diffuse sunlight coming through the sun tubes in above them. The vaulted ceiling is only dimly visible, high above the heads of the great statues. Dust motes dance and sparkle in a magical display, fairy ghosts trapped in the Sanctum. The statues, each now a full chain in height since the return of the Tour God Armstrong to the arms of the Goddess, stand in silent splendour before the great marble columns, surrounding the sacred symbol of the triple ring laid in fine ebony, alabaster and onyx in the floor. The Road Goddess, with her implacable onyx eyes; the BMX Goddess, with her smile that shines like a thousand suns and hair the colour of fine beach sand in a tropical paradise; and the MTB Goddess, with her gentle, ironic smirk, full-face lid resting at her feet. Chuffy is awed into silence. He wants to ask when they got so big, but finds himself tongue-tied. This makes him a little cross, as he's an irreverent little pixie. Ravenbait smiles to herself. "Goddess," she says, bowing her head. "I haven't got an actual BMX yet, but we do have BMX XXX for our PS2 and I have now got three bikes, so you can give me some credit." The statues come to life, all at once, as if they had always been like that. Three giant women, standing around them. "Little daughter. I understand Bike Shed have some Saracen's that are like only a couple of hundred," says the BMX Goddess. "There are some fruitbooters cutting in on the Sanctuary, you know, and the posse could use your support." "But that can wait," says the Road Goddess. "Chuffy's come to visit," says the MTB Goddess with a strangely unreadable smile. "Chuffy wants his sword back," says the BMX Goddess. She takes a step closer, and suddenly Chuffy realises how big one chain actually is. The Sanctum has warped the perspective, altering the rules of time and space. Only when the Goddesses move can he see truly how far above him they tower. "Got a hankering for a great, big chopper, have you?" the MTB Goddess says, mocking gently. Chuffy swallows nervously. "Go," says the Road Goddess. "Go to the antechamber and take your sword while chanting the words which I shall impart to you. Remember these words well, Child of Man. They will call the power of the sword to you in situations dire." She fixes that fathomless black gaze upon him and intones: "Fe er frænda rog ok flæðar viti ok grafseiðs gata. aurum. fylkir. Hagall er kaldakorn ok krapadrifa ok snaka sott. grando. hildingr." The words sear themselves into Chuffy's mind as surely as if Her voice has branded them into the very tissues of his brain. "Don't be a stranger, y'hear?" asks the BMX Goddess as the statues lose the enchantment of life and become, once more, no more than representations of the Triple Goddess of Cycling. A little dazed, Chuffy accompanies Ravenbait out of the Sanctum. Back in the antechamber, they find Redshift, wielding a Japanese sword with expertise and evident pleasure. In the light they can see the patterning left by the manufacture, the thousands of folds that have brought this blade into being. Chuffy approaches Caledfwlch and graps it by the hilt. The sword seems to thrum and purr in his grasp. The words come unbidden and as the last syllable leaves his lips the sword springs into grasp without the slightest effort, and he stands there, gleaming blade aloft, feeling the power of the Ancients coursing through him. Sam http://www.ravenfamily.org "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: newbie Replied on: 13/01/2004 15:57:34 Message: Fantastic, put me down for: Lasgagne Fruitcake Jaffa cakes Spinach lasagne Pizza Canneloni Cookies Lemon meringue pie Lasagne Chorizo god, it's been so long I'm starting to forget Lasagne Pizza Lasagne Lasagne ...... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Terry Replied on: 13/01/2004 15:58:43 Message: Cool. ------------------------------- www.jdcycles.com "It's like hitting a brick wall." Duffers - L'Alpe d'Huez -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: redshift Replied on: 13/01/2004 17:00:57 Message: Sam: Dõmo arigatõ gozaimasu L Windcheetah 176 http://www.redshift.uklinux.net/ ...handbuilt by daleks... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: TimCPike Replied on: 13/01/2004 18:13:17 Message: I'm quite happy here with my temple maidens now -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wampire Weasel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 13/01/2004 18:37:31 Message: Heh Bloody big sword - Check Old Norse (or summat like it) - Check Smiting - tbc Bring it on baby, oh yeah! "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: hairyhippy Replied on: 13/01/2004 18:49:53 Message: Fab as ever. Chuffers - just drop the first line into google and out it pops. It is isn't it? It's Nicholas bl**dy Parsons. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: kitzy Replied on: 13/01/2004 21:11:10 Message: Oh Sam, it's brilliant -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 13/01/2004 21:36:44 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FuzzyChap-->Chuffers - just drop the first line into google and out it pops. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eh? "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: jokeyjon Replied on: 14/01/2004 00:43:15 Message: Are we going all to go all Beowulf now? Can I be a Warg? cease firing, hook in. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: simplesbharris Replied on: 14/01/2004 09:22:48 Message: Brilliant story sam, but i'm still waiting for my mention! Don't care when or where, just give me an ickle line! please? I'm beggin ya' on me knees like! And i'll tell Gonzo's (not real) mum if I don't get a mention. In fact i'll be round there later, so i may just drop it into the conversation, not that she'll care HE got a part, not that i'm bitter like! But it would be nice. PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE ME - future TdF WINNER - you read it here first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 14/01/2004 09:32:34 Message: Simples, did you not get mentioned in the previous thread for this Volume? I'm sure you did. I try to avoid having lists of people present just because everyone wants a mention. If you have requested a mention and haven't been yet, you will be, I just need to work it in sensibly. It might help if you tell me what you can see yourself doing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: simplesbharris Replied on: 14/01/2004 09:42:19 Message: True, I got a mention in the casting list, but not in the actual story, I know this coz I actually read your story's very attentively (TERRY) I'm quite handy in the kitchen, so i could be claire's young handsome baker (cue bun in oven jokes!), who she got in to keep her company while everyone else was out enjoying themselves with worldly travels, or maybe, judging by alot of my previous posts, somesort of illiterate buffoon! ME - future TdF WINNER - you read it here first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 14/01/2004 09:45:00 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by simplesbharris True, I got a mention in the casting list, but not in the actual story, I know this coz I actually read your story's very attentively (TERRY) I'm quite handy in the kitchen, so i could be claire's young handsome baker (cue bun in oven jokes!), who she got in to keep her company while everyone else was out enjoying themselves with worldly travels, or maybe, judging by alot of my previous posts, somesort of illiterate buffoon! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hmmmm....... That'll be galley slave and bottle washer then -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: simplesbharris Replied on: 14/01/2004 09:46:41 Message: it's all good baby! ME - future TdF WINNER - you read it here first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Ravenbait Replied on: 16/01/2004 14:23:01 Message: Chronicles of the Cake Stop Vol III No. 6 Chapter One: Shipping would take too long. Ravenbait has sent Redshift and Chuffy back to the bar, saying that the next phase of the expedition will require a great deal of effort from her and she needs to compose herself. Not really understanding what is about to happen, they leave her to it, both now carrying their swords sheathed and yet acutely aware of the presence of the great weapons. When they get to the bar they find that preparations are well under way. Nearly all the bikes have now been checked. Those that have been declared fit to travel are waiting expectantly to one side of the cycle park. There are about half a dozen who need a little more attention, with worn brake blocks or indexing that isn't quite right. Nutty declares it is about time that Chuffy learns to mend a puncture, especially with himself not going to be around so much any more what with the new job and everything, and when the cheeky little imp comes back from the Temple, Kitzy is pressed into demonstrating the technique on a machine that is discovered to have a flat tyre. Chuffy is not very impressed about this, but Gunner tells him that it is important everyone can take care of himself. After a few hours have passed, as much preparation has been made as can be made and a relative stillness descends. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are nosing around Nutty's feet looking for crisps or fruitcake and Fatty and Rigby are playing cards using the special Sesame Street BDSM set Chuffy got them for Christmas. Nutty is looking through some photos taken on the Banbury Ride while Rob Sallnow is chalking up another Century ride on the board on the wall. A moving shadow appears on the ground. Looking up the Cake Stop chums see a pair of birds the size of pterodactyls tumbling out of the sky above them. Aghast, they stare in horrified anticipation, waiting for the inevitable impact as the out-of-control avians hit the ground. At the very last moment the ravens miraculously correct their flight and land gracefully on a vacant Sheffield. Huggin's mad, staring eyes survey the faces peering at him. Munnin preens some feathers into place. "That was fun," says Memory. "Shall we do it again?" "What, now?" Thought says to him, irritably. To the cyclists there was nothing but an exchange of braaks, squawks, croaks and strange clicking sounds. "Yes, now," Memory says. "No," Thought tells him. "Where's that floosie? The one with the corset?" The birds hop off onto the ground and half-stride, half-waddle in that unavoidably ungainly walk that all ravens possess, making their way into the bar. They stop, just inside the door, and look around, heads cocked to one side, beady eyes bright as buttons. "Braak," says Memory, and heads towards Kathy. "Captain Jack," he tells her in passable English, "sends his regards. His exact words were..." at this his eyes half close and the next words are a perfect imitation of Captain Jack's voice, so much so that the rendition could have fooled a blind man into thinking that the wily pirate was right there himself. " 'Tell the little lady that I would be much obliged if she would bring wiv 'er some o' that madeira cake Claire makes, and I do 'ave a hankering for some proper black pudding, if she'd be so kind as to bring some wiv 'er. I shall await her arrival wiv great hanticipation.' " "Although I think it's the pudding he's anticipating," Thought observes sarcastically. "But where is he? And how do we get there?" Kathy asks, bewildered. Claire has already set Simplesbharris to wrapping some cake and is wondering whether to get down one of the big puddings or the smaller ones. "Gods' teeth," says Thought, turning to Memory long enough to say "Where does she find these people?" Memory just shrugs. "How do you think you're going to get there? Going to pack the lot of you onto the next British Airways flight to Singapore, are we, fingerprinting or no fingerprinting? Or maybe you thought that Future Publishing would hire a Hercules for the lot of you? Oi, Withers, do you think you could persuade your employers to charter the Queen Mary for a couple of weeks?" The cyclists stare at the raven, bewildered by the spectacle of a big black bird hopping up and down and yelling "Braak! Braak braak braaaak brrak braak. Braak braak brakkkk brraaak braak brakk honk braak click braak whurrrp. Chork brrrak braak braaaaaaaaak braaaak." "Don't be so rude," scolds Ravenbait, suddenly appearing in the doorway. "Go and stand in that bit over there until you've learned to behave." She points sternly at the dark corner to one side of the dartboard. Two sullen corvids go and stand in the corner. "Face the wall!" she tells them. "We don't need to know where Jack is," says the Priestess. "We're going via A-Time. Shipping would take too long." "I don't understand," says Kathy. Ravenbait thinks for a minute, face tensed in concentration, and then she takes a seat and starts to explain. It is all about information theory. A-Time is the information contained in the world, abstracted from the world itself. But information comprises only new data. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" contains no information for a seasoned touch-typist. The sentence "The quick brown fox shags the lazy elephant" on the other hand, does contain information because it has a new combination of words. It imparts something new. Just like turning a photograph into a jpeg, A-Time is a place where only that which is informative is presented. It is thus much smaller than the physical world, more compressed. It is also a much easier place to get lost, for the landscape of information is easily overwhelming, and by definition there is little that is familiar. There was a reason that the ravens travelled as a pair. Just as a person can interact with virtual reality, controlling a body in an environment despite having only an information link with that avatar, there is a way of looking at the universe that describes the physical presence of things in their physical environment as being no more than an avatar of a being that wholly exists in a sea of information and consciousness. Opening the door into A-Time transforms the thing back to information, and that information can be transported much more quickly than can a physical body in physical space. Transporting so many people, keeping track of so much information over what is a relatively long way even in A-Time - that is going to be very difficult, and is why the Priestess was preparing for so long. Thankfully every single person's subjective view will carry information for everyone else, and so it will be relatively easy to keep them all together. Even so, this is going to be by far the most ambitious crossing of A-Time that she has ever attempted. "Please," she says, and there is no levity in her tones, only a faint note of pleading that serves as strong warning for her friends to take heed of what she tells them. "Please stay together. I can only do this using matrix theory, and if you break from the set I could lose you." "Would it help if I told you that in another life I was a walnut whip?" asks Stiffler. "Not really," the Priestess says. "But thanks all the same. Right then. If we're all ready, perhaps we should get this show on the road." Sam Edited before Simple complains again because he's too impatient to wait for a proper part. http://www.ravenfamily.org "There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Evilchuffy Replied on: 16/01/2004 14:47:46 Message: Gwynneth, she are here! "Savvy vous polari?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: simplesbharris Replied on: 16/01/2004 17:12:08 Message: That was beautiful Sam, I would hae waited, but, its like, dead exciting! I GOT A PART! THANKYOU. ME - future TdF WINNER - you read it here first. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: Climber_Andy Replied on: 16/01/2004 17:31:04 Message: Lacks content really - terrible. Lol just kidding, just trying to get in there somehow as a sceptical critic. It's very good, very funny. And so, I told the reporters 'I'm not the next Lance Armstrong, I'm the first Andy' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply author: bardsandwarriors Replied on: 17/01/2004 17:32:16 Message: quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Originally posted by Kathy Pike Given it's China, you could always copy Mrs Cheng's dress sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks Kathy, who isn't at all cute. I see your role as online fashion mentor is coming in useful after all (Actually, I'd forgotten about that. With all the fun and adventure of xmas etc. I'll try to get some piccies together for your expert eye, soonish!) if everyone owned a car, what a smelly, dangerous, noisy, stressful, unhealthy, expensive society this would be... oh, wait... it is! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cycling Plus : http://www.cyclingplus.co.uk/forum/ © 2004 cyclingplus.co.uk Close Window