Screaming like a banshee, Redshift reprises the trick she had performed on
the centaurs, many moons before, and leaps onto the back of one of the gnus. Wrapping her legs around
its muscular neck and grabbing its horns she wrenches its head round so that she can direct the laser on
its head at the other gnus.
She hits one of the green lasers with a lucky strike and it explodes in a shower of sparks. In the bright
flash of light she sees that Wolverine had been standing on its wearer's back, claws extended, but he
flips off out of the way, twisting in the air, bounces off a crate and lands on another of the gnus. One
swipe of adamantium claws sends its weapon spinning uselessly to the floor.
Van Helsing is peppering the air with bolts from his automatic crossbow-pistol. They hit the ground
right in front of a blue laser gnu, spiking the ground in an arc. The gnu hits them, the wooden shafts
impaling it just below the wrist joint on its forelegs, and it goes down, almost crushing Spesh beneath
its heavy body. He bunny hops nimbly out of the way just as Ravenbait skids Fingal round and knocks
the laser off the gnu's head with one swipe of her SKS frame pump.
"Obviously made using low-end Shimano components," she mutters contemptuously.
Gfresh slams on his brakes, wobbles precariously and then hefts the bike round to pedal off in a
different direction, just missing the panicked charge of a red laser gnu that has had a set of adamantium
razors in its rump and has suddenly realised that this is not a good place to be. The gnu, blinded by a
stray shot from Redshift, gallops headlong into the other red laser gnu, sending it flying. The gnu that
has been floored skids along the smooth concrete floor until the weapon on its head comes into contact
with the wall, cushioning the gnu's impact in a sacrificial manner.
Cuddy Duck and the AFOBS fly in low, in a loose squadron, and squirt the lasers with water from their
bottles. A couple of the weapons short, fizzing sullenly. That leaves several gnus, minus frikkin' laser
beams, wandering around in a daze, free from both excessive offensive kit and the mind-control
devices attached to it.
Gnus all by themselves are dangerous enough, however, being rather large and coming complete with
big hooves and cow horns. Macleach, Redshift, Gunner, Brock and Charlotte try to herd them towards
the main door, eventually managing to get them huddled in a corner with their ears drooping
miserably.
Charlotte offers them some strawberry bootlaces. They seem to like those.
Back at the far end of the hangar the rest of the Cake Stop has congregated. There is much panting and
puffing as they get their breaths back after the chaotic scattering necessary to avoid the deadly laser
beams coming from the now rather subdued wildebeest [see
http://www.seaworld.org/AnimalBytes/wildebeestab.html - Ed] in the corner.
It looks like Van Helsing and Logan might have become friends during that fracas. Wolverine has at
least stopped sneering at his counterpart at every given opportunity.
"Now what?" Gordy asks, enjoying the excitement rather more than usual as he knows that after
Christmas he no longer has to go to work and this is cheering him up immensely.
"We find a door, obviously" says Westley impatiently, pushing his way through the pack to the rear of
the hangar.
There is a large set of double doors, through which the gnus had evidently been sent. There are traces
of their manure on the ground and a few stray strands of straw, presumably from the bedding in their
enclosure. Flying Monkey, Logan and Westley scan the ceiling and surrounds for CCTV cameras and
any other security devices.
"They must know we are here," Van Helsing says. "Why else would they have sent those creatures in
here?"
"They know all right, bub," Logan growls.
"Well," Westley says brightly. "So much for a sneak attack. Shall we proceed, gentlemen?
Ladies?"
"I don't think this is such a good idea," TimC opines nervously.
"Don't worry," Flying Monkey tells him with a reassuring smile. "It's entirely possible that the gnus
were on some sort of automatic release that was triggered by the door opening. We may not have been
spotted yet after all."
There seems to be no way to get the double doors open. There is no release mechanism anywhere to be
found. Ravenbait narrows her eyes and mutters a few words, and there is a sudden thickness in the air.
Several of the Cake Stoppers are forced to equalise the pressure in their ears by holding their noses and
blowing.
The doors remain resolutely shut.
"Hmm," the Priestess says to herself. "Someone has been teaching the old dogs new tricks."
"Step aside, toots," Logan tells her. He punches his claws into the doors, sending them neatly into the
crack between the two sides, and heaves. The doors give way and swing open towards them.
"There are so many reasons why that shouldn't have worked," AndyGates says, shaking his
head.
The double doors lead through to a narrow corridor with a wildebeest pen on each side. This widens
into a much larger corridor with barrier rails on either side. Beyond the barrier rails, which are
interspersed at intervals with gated openings, are corridors leading off into the complex, and occasional
stairways leading down into the lower levels. It appears that this secret base is absolutely vast, and
extends well below sea level. The floor on which they are walking and wheeling their noble steeds is
made of thick wire mesh, and the strange, brown-green colour of the futuristic industrial look of the
complex makes the whole thing appear to be something culled from Quake or
Aliens.
"Don't like this malarkey," Wolverine growls to Ravenbait, sniffing warily for a scent of danger. "But
I'll bet you're feelin' right at home, ain't ya darlin'?"
The Priestess doesn't answer.
"So where would they be keepin' all their lolly, I wonder," Captain Jack Sparrow muses. He leaps over
the barrier, surprisingly nimble, wanders a little way down a corridor and peers through a window set
into a heavy bulkhead door. "Well bugger me," he exclaims. "There's somethin' you don't see every
day."
Charlotte and Kathy, being curious gels, hop over the barrier and squeeze up next to him to peer
through the window. He puts one arm around each of their shoulders to give them space to see
properly, smiling lecherously.
"Oh my," Charlotte says, face turning bright red. "That's..."
"It probably isn't, you know" Kathy interrupts, not unkindly, thinking of copyright issues before Spen
decides to speak up. "It probably just looks very much like him."
Inside the room there is a man in full fantasy armour. He seems to be sleeping, or frozen. He is
standing upright in an alcove with green blinking lights on a bank of monitors to one side.
"I thought he was best as Lucifer in The Prophecy," Ravenbait tells them, peering over
Charlotte's shoulder. "He was jolly good in that. Even the Morningstar enjoyed it. Cheered him up so
much he let me have some of his popcorn."
"There's the Ladies Brazilian Volleyball team over here!" comes a joyous exclamation from
TimC.
Thought, sitting on Ravenbait's shoulder, whispers something in her ear.
"You could be right," the Priestess says, then addresses the others: "The ABD has long planned to
convert the world into a polluted dystopian nightmare where their kind are the only ones to survive. It
could be that they have been kidnapping certain people with... admirable qualities that they do not
themselves possess — being fat, bloated, and unable to walk properly never mind exercise
— so that they have some attractive people around after Carmageddon."
Or possibly to use their DNA in an attempt to create a breed of attractive cagers. Ravenbait
shudders.
"Then perhaps my Buttercup is in one of these cells," Westley declares. He darts off down the corridor
and starts checking the cells in the adjoining corridors.
"Can we wake him up?" Charlotte asks the Priestess hopefully, nodding vaguely towards the sleeping
hero in the cell behind her. "Can we? Please?"
"We have no time," Van Helsing says severely. "Priestess, we must find the machinery that they are
using to perform their experiments and destroy it before it is too late."
"I like the sound o' that," Wolverine grins.
Ravenbait thinks for a few moments.
"Gather round everyone. All right. Here's what we do. Captain Jack, I know you are only interested in
money, so you do what you like. Anything that hurts the ABD is fine by me, and I know Professor
SafeSpeed doesn't earn any money any other way so thieving from him will hurt him. Volunteers to go
with Captain Jack?"
Kathy immediately puts up her hand. Tim, being the other half of the tandem, therefore must go as
well. A few others, including TimC, Rigby and FatBloke, judging that to be the least dangerous of the
options the Priestess is about to present, also volunteer.
"Westley is already off after Buttercup but I don't think he's going to find her here. Aeroflash, Nutty,
would you be prepared to go with him? He won't need any help from you against the ABD, but I need
you with him so I can get us all back together again afterwards."
"What are you going to do?" Nutty asks.
"The Big 'O' sent me here to deal with the Humungous, and that's what I'm going to do. Anyone who
wants a scrap with Chav scum, bipedal werewolves, demons the like of which would make Buffy run
screaming, White Van Men and the Humungous himself are welcome to come along with me, Logan
and Gabriel. Charlotte, you can wake up Aragorn there and then catch up with the bunch of your
choosing."
She surveys the rest of the cyclists.
"We have a long way to go yet. A lot to do. I won't ask any of you to face down the might of the ABD
and Professor SafeSpeed with me because it could be dangerous. I don't know what they have down
there, or if they have successfully resurrected the Humungous or not. Logan and Gabriel and I can
handle them, but if you want to come, it will be a pleasure to fight with you. So who's with
me?"
For it is the choice of each individual Cake Stopper as to which path he now will take.
What is this? The Cake Stop is splitting up? Surely this is unwise, dear reader, for
does not the old adage say 'divide and conquer'? Who will go with the Priestess and her two amnesiac
companions to face the might of the ABD and the horrors that await below in the laboratory of the
Scientolgists? Will the Dread Pirate Roberts find his one true love and will she be in a state fit to be
rescued? Will Captain Jack Sparrow, the greatest pirate in the world, manage to find the fat coffers that
must be waiting for him somewhere and thus render Professor SafeSpeed devoid of money for
laboratory supplies, stamps and telephone bills?
The answers to all these questions and more await in future episodes of Chronicles of the Cake Stop, an educational adventure periodical for
boys and girls of all ages.
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